God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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