Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
