what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize