my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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