I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
