Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
