i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
