I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize