I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
