I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
