my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
