They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
