I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dignity is for republicans.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
40s are totally the cure
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And then the night went full on bisexual.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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