I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just had sex on a roof
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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