When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
