sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
