I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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