Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
