so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
