So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
