We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
