It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
