For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
