Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
