There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
