so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
