I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
