Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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