He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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