did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
