sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is wine microwaveable?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
