he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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