highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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