I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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