Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
