i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
