Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
