five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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