my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
