he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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