don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
