we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
