Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
