I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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