Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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