Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
