everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
