My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
