woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
