$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
