Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
