party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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