One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
