i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize