Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
